David Fewster

THE WITHERED FIG TREE

And they drew nigh unto Jerusalem,

thru Bethany and the Mount of Olives,

hot, tired, and dusty,

and verily, Jesus was in a pissy mood,

thinking to himself,

"Christ, we sure waste a hell of a lot of time

walking around in this damn desert,"

(I mean, face it,

the weather in Canaan sucked--

"Come to the Promised Land!"

it said on Yahweh's promotional brochure--

"Milk & Honey up the wazoo!

Buy now! Or invest!

Special rates for Chosen People!"

The first real estate scam...)

and so he said unto the disciples

"Go your way into the village over against you;

and as soon as ye be entered into it,

ye shall find a colt tied,

whereupon never man sat;

loose him, and bring him."

And Peter said, "Gee, if he's tied up, like, maybe

he belongs to someone."

And Jesus said "Shut up and bring the frigging horse."

So the colt was brought, and there was much rejoicing.

And riding along, he found he was hungry

and seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves,

he came unto it, and when he came to it,

unfortunately he found nothing but leaves, because,

frankly, it wasn't fig season yet.

And Jesus said unto it,

"No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever,"

after which they went to the Temple

to beat the living crap out of some moneylenders.

And returning later that day, as they passed by,

they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots

and withered away,

and Peter calling to remembrance said unto him

"Um, Master, remind us again why

we were cursing the tree--I mean, for instance,

later on there might be some hungry folks

who could use it when, you know,

it's actually fig season?..."

And Jesus began to reply, "Hey, Jack,

when I tell this mountain to jump into the sea,

it doesn't go 'Why?' it goes

'How high do you want me to go, Lord?'..."

But saying this, Jesus realized that perhaps

He had gone too far, and said unto them

"Hey, I'm sorry guys, that was over the line--

I guess maybe I'm having a bad hair day.

Forgive me?"

And to break the ice,

Stephen, the funny disciple, said,

"Bad hair day? Every day's a bad hair day.

It's 33 A.D., for crying out loud--

We're still shampooing with sand."

And as they were laughing merrily at this jest,

Judas chimed in,

"Hey, and after all,

Being God means always having to say you're sorry,"

and again there was much merriment,

although Jesus' laugh seemed a little less

boisterous this time around.

And reaching into his robe pocket,

Jesus came unto a handful of shekels

that had accidentally dropped there

from the tables of the moneylenders

and he said,

"How's about we head back to town

and buy a few goatskins of wine

to go around--my treat."

And thus it came to pass that

they returned to Jerusalem

that very evening...